The Old and the Restless
Family dinners are a strange thing in my house. Going to dinner with granny usually conjures up images of warm baked goods and the old dear shovelling copious quantities of food down your throat, never satisfied that you could possibly be full. Ahhhh…if only. I’ve always considered my family to be ‘progressive’ but I’m starting to think that the correct word would probably be peculiar. Having spent the last 3 hours counselling my 82 year old grandmother through the trials of what can only be called a sexually virile relationship, I am starting to think this kind of behaviour to be somewhat unusual. My grandmother has never been the conventional type. When most octegenarians tell me to eat up, my gran told me I needed liposuction, complete with a rather full-on stomach fat grab. Those beach holidays while granny’s face was fixing were also pretty strange in retrospect. However, having the virtues of the little blue pill extolled upon you over dinner really takes things to a new level. I didn’t think these kinds of things happened once you hit the other side of 80. But more and more, Howick living is teaching me that old age is certainly no excuse for chastity. The place is rife with sex. I certainly have, on more than one occasion (four to be precise), been party to some unpleasant goings-on in this very house, between participants the wrong side of 60. And before you ask, yes I do knock. I have just not always been provided with the luxury of a closed door on which to do so. All in all, as a person under 30, Howick has the capacity to make one feel entirely inadequate. Even the zebras on our front lawn have been engaging in regular intimate tussles. I don’t know what it is, but I certainly know I am going to live here once I cross into the blue pill generation. The pickings are simply rife. Everyone here is on heat. The fact that much of it takes place within my immediate family is more than slightly disconcerting, but it does offer hope for later in life. Once you get over the grossness of it all…
You kissed a what?!
Katy Perry is seriously starting to get on my last shredded nerve. This in spite of the inspired genius of her new song (It’s black and it’s white, you’re wrong and it’s right….damn this woman is poetic!) What irks me about this Perry creature is that she has risen to fame on the basis of some sort of pseudo-lesbian anthem, and I have yet to see her tongue wrestle with one woman, not one! What should have been a fun, dirty video ended up having all the enjoyment value of a Nazi rally. Ooooh pillowfights……oooooh sexy glances over a fan…..come on now, this woman likes cock! the bigger the better. Have you seen her boyfriend? He makes k.d Lang look feminine. This woman is a fraud….a big old tease, capitalising on all the poor lesbians growing up without someone to ‘identify with’ (apart from Ellen of course). At least those t.A.T.u fakes had the courtesy to have a few mad pashing sessions before they admitted that rug was in fact not for them. How disappointing….what happened to the real lezzers of yesteryear?! The Martina Navratilovas of this world. She was the genuine article….nobody could possibly have argued that she would have liked kissing a girl. The arms spoke for themselves. Bring back the real dykes I say, we miss you!
Have you heard this?
God bless Britney Spears. It seems she has finally started to write her own lyrics. Lord knows she’s had a troubled year. You know what with all the hair shaving and rehab and paparazzi mauling, oh and not to mention her double knocked up underage slutty sister, who is popping out children like a human gumball machine. Contraception…please who needs it?!
So she has come up with the touching tune, ‘Womanizer’, supposedly a dig at her ex. It seems she thought that the title and the addition of the words ‘you’ and ‘are’ would suffice and make this into a banging track. Poor woman. Doesn’t she know that her husband left her because she was flashing her woman flesh to anyone who would look at it? Oh and beating the shit out of cameramen. Oh and generally being so fucked on all manner of drugs that people were amazed when she could actually string together a coherent sentence (which wasn’t often). Womanizer indeed. She has probably put him off women for life.
Anyway the poor delusional bitch has now released this new song onto the airwaves and what a pile of shit it is. I am off to download it right now.
Bleeding Heart
Leona Lewis has just cemented her status as the most boring woman in the world by winning the coveted ‘Vegetarian of the Year’ award. The fact that such a thing actually exists in the first place blows my mind, but I would have to say that Leona is a deserving winner. Writing about this woman in itself poses a colossal challenge, as she has all the charisma of a birch twig, and a boring one at that. She is living proof that God just doesn’t give with both hands. At least she is able to make up for her astounding lack of interpersonal skills by being imbued with the ability to make a delightful green salad. A rockstar this woman is not. She doesn’t go out, she doesn’t eat meat, she doesn’t shoot animals, she doesn’t keep a stash of drugs in her hair, she doesn’t eat fruit unless it has fallen from the tree unaided…this woman has no business being in the public eye. Ozzy Osbourne ate a live bat, Amy Winehouse is so trashed at her concerts that she usually ends up somewhere in the drum kit soaking in vodka and Leona Lewis…well she can make a mean organic, non-fat, non-dairy, non-wheat aubergine bake. I hope this bore of a person is at least hanging her award proudly in her pantry and not rededicating it to the earth in some sort of kumbaya-induced, veggie-loving frenzy. Someone needs to get this woman drunk, and fast. After all, vodka is made from potatoes.
How can I resist you?!
Oh hell to the yes, Mamma Mia has got a release date in South Africa! This is about the most exciting news since, well, since Mamma Mia came out on the big screen. All you cynics may poo-poo this camp and, quite frankly, ridiculous movie, but honestly I want it in patch form. I want a little Mamma Mia drip to be pumping ridiculous and unnecessary happiness through my system at regular intervals. It’s starting to occur to me that I may be sounding ever so slightly unhinged, but truly, what more could you want in life than to sing Abba on a Greek island?! It’s fanfreakingtastic man! Even Pierce Brosnan droning away like some sort of castrated donkey isn’t able to bring this shit down….seriously, watch it! Chances are, if I know you, I will force you to watch it….you wouldn’t be the first!:)
Oh and in other news, ‘Hansie’ is also set for imminent release…good lord as if the story wasn’t boring enough the first time around….but R129 will buy you one hell of a good nap!
